Final Fantasy 7 Weakest Link
by Austoko Kiava
Summary: *Chapter 3 is now up..* Its been a while, however, that doesnt mean that some more Final Fantasy 7 guys are out of here!! *Barret whacking*
1. Oh no! We begin the madness!

Ok, first off, I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or the Weakest link. Satisfied? Good, I hate disclaimers. -_- Also, this is my first fic, so no flaming please!  
  
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Cameraman- Who the hell are you? You're not the host.  
  
??????- Uh. I'm the new host, the others were killed when I shot.. I mean they died in a car accident.  
  
Cameraman- Well, at least tell me you're damn name.  
  
??????- Uh, call me Kia.  
  
Cameraman- *falls asleep*  
  
Kia- What an idiot, falling asleep right after a question, hehe.  
  
*Kia runs up to the stage to find out none of his contestants are there, but they seem to be hiding in the audience*  
  
Kia- First one up here gets a cookie!  
  
*Kia waves a cookie in the air, not noticing Yuffie stealing something out of his pocket*  
  
Yuffie- Oolala! Wait. What the hell is this? *holds up a banana*  
  
Kia- *turns around* Uh. that's for the monkey god later? Aww damn, just go sit down over there. *points to Yuffie's stand*  
  
Kia- That's it, if the others don't get up here now, I'm gonna give Yuffie the money!  
  
*Every contestant runs to their stand*  
  
Kia- Finally. Anyway, let me introduce our contestants!  
  
Tifa- *whispering* Hey Cloud, I hope he's gonna ask questions about you, I know everything!  
  
Cloud- *disgusted face* What the hell, do you study me or something?  
  
Tifa- Um. yes.  
  
*Cloud backs away from Tifa*  
  
Kia- First we have the so-called hero of FF7, Cloud Strife!  
  
Cloud- Uh, hello.  
  
Kia- Next we have Harvey Vincent! Attorney at law!  
  
*Vincent flips Kia off and makes an angry face*  
  
Kia-Ok then, now we have the infamous guy who died before anyone knew him, Zack!  
  
*Zack is caught licking his hand or sphaghetti noodles and sauce*  
  
Kia- Zack, did you steal from the audience?  
  
*Man in audience raises his hand*  
  
Kia- Tch.  
  
*Kia walks over to Zach, takes the noodles and throws them at Vincent who shoots Zack in the head*  
  
Kia- Uh. security! Take away his body and get us a new contestant!  
  
Guy1- No.  
  
Kia- What did you say?  
  
Guy2- Uh, he's being like this today. come on George.  
  
George- No  
  
*Vincent shoots George in the head*  
  
Kia- Damn, that had to hurt. Why did you do that Vincent?  
  
Vincent- He stole my credit card.  
  
Kia- . Well, next we have uh. *points to Sephy*  
  
Kia- Get the hell up here!  
  
Sephy- I knew this was gonna happen. Stupid fortune tellers..  
  
Kia- First off, the history of Sephy. He used the black material to control Cloud for a servent. Making poor cloud scratch his feet every day. Well, enough of that, next contestant. Sephy- How the hell did you find that out?  
  
Kia-...... Internet?  
  
Sephy- Damn the internet, damn the people, damn you Cloud Strife!  
  
Kia- Yeah, I think Cloud posted it.. Anyway, next we have the horrible rapper and cooker, Barret!  
  
*Barret flips out the audience and raps*  
  
Barret- My momma is betta' den yo momma cuz mine makes cookies fo me!  
  
Kia- I'm not even gonna ask.... Well, next we have Cloud fan #1, who studies his every dang move, Tifa Lockheart!  
  
Tifa- Thankies. Thankies.  
  
Kia- Is it true that you put a video camera in his bathroom just to see how long it takes him to use the bathroom?  
  
Tifa- Not just that, but more stuff that some people don't wanna know. *grins happily*  
  
Kia- I'm sure our next contestant would like to know about it. He is Cid Highwind!  
  
Cid- What the @#%*^(@ hell are you talking about. Are you accusing me of being !^%$&^% gay!?  
  
Kia- Yeah.  
  
Cid- @#$% you jackass.  
  
Kia- Next we have a girl who has been revived by authors to many times, so I'm saying this. She is not real Cloud!  
  
*Cloud pouts*  
  
Kia- Aeris Gainsborough's spirit who has no legs!  
  
Aeris- Hi all. Want a flower?  
  
Kia- Sure. *takes a flower and puts it on his stand* And next, we have our last contestant, Yuffie Kisaragi!  
  
Yuffie- Show me da money!  
  
Kia- Well, will our pathetic contestants be able to win the million? Will the real Naniki please stand up? Find out next time on... Uh, what is this called?  
  
Cameraman- Final Fantasy Weakest Link you jackass.  
  
Kia- Uh, what he said!  
  
Authors notes- Yes yes, I know I used tons of different slogans and all but please give me credit. This is my first fic after all. I hoped you liked it, so click the review button and send away! ^-^ *runs into the distance* 


	2. Oh my god, some of my contestants have g...

Kia-I don't own any thing in this fic except me. I want to own myself, stay away from me Cid.  
  
Cid- Aww.  
  
Kia- Now back to. the weakest link!  
  
Cloud- Yay.  
  
Kia- Now if you don't know the rules, then listen up. Blah blah blah blah  
  
*Tifa is thinking about Cloud, who is thinking about Aeris, who is thinking about Kia who is explaining the game*  
  
Kia- Blah. So let the games begin!  
  
Kia- Lets start with Yuffie and go left, Yuffie.  
  
Yuffie- What?!  
  
Kia- Who made Final Fantasy 8.  
  
Yuffie- Dammit! I don't know. So... um. Ubi-Soft?  
  
Kia- Way off. Cid, who is bigger, Cloud or the Buster Sword?  
  
Cid- I would say the Buster Sword is bigger.  
  
Kia- Wrong. Aeris, what is a fraction of a quarter to a dollar?  
  
Aeris- One- fourth.  
  
Kia- Yay! First one correct! * 2 minutes are left*  
  
Aeris- Yippe! You guys suck!  
  
Kia- Barret, what is you're maiden name?  
  
Barret- What the hell? Dis' aint supposed to be a question is it?  
  
Kia- Uh, yeah it is.  
  
Barret-.. Highwind.  
  
Kia-Don't tell me, is it concidense or are you guys gay.  
  
Barret- No clue really.  
  
Kia- 1:30 remain, next question. Tifa, who did Sephy kill before Aeris.  
  
Tifa- Aww damn. I should know this one.. Um... A monkey?  
  
Kia- Wrong. Vincent, who is the president of the U.S.  
  
Vincent- George Dubya Bush.  
  
Kia- Cool, you're right.  
  
Kia- Cloud, who is better, Batman or Superman?  
  
Cloud- Batman by tons of cool points! Batman rules!  
  
Kia- Right, but. Nevermind. Sephy, what color material summons monsters.  
  
Sephy- Easy, red colored material summons mystical creatures like blah blah blah blah blah.  
  
*Kia sits around for a while until 10 seconds are left*  
  
Kia- Shut it! Damn you bitch, you wasted 50 seconds on that easy question! Yuffie.  
  
Yuffie- Bank.  
  
Kia- What is the color of.. *Ultra loud buzzer noise*  
  
Kia- Oops, our time is up, now lets vote off someone so we can get on with this pathetic show.  
  
*Everyone writes a name and waits until Tifa finishes her long writing*  
  
Kia-.. Ok, lets see who you voted for.  
  
Yuffie- Cid.  
  
Cid- Kia  
  
Kia- Cid, I cant be voted out stupid.  
  
Cid- Aww $^*# dis %$#&(* world.  
  
Aeris- Cid.  
  
Barret- Cid.  
  
Tifa- Cid.  
  
Vincent- Cid  
  
Cloud- Cid  
  
Sephy- Cid  
  
Kia- Ok, why did you all vote for Cid?  
  
Everyone but Cid- Because he gay you ass!  
  
Kia- That's what I thought. Cid, you are the weakest link, get the hell of my stage!  
  
Cid- !@#@ you all!!  
  
*Cid runs away crying*  
  
Kia- Well, I'm gonna takes a nap now, so do whatever you want contestants.  
  
Cloud- Hehe.  
  
Kia- ZzZzZzzzZzZzzz  
  
Aeris- I haven't seen anyone do something funny yet, this sucks.  
  
*Cloud sneaks up on Kia and gives him a wedgie*  
  
Kia- AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MMMYYYY ASS!!!!  
  
*Cloud runs away looking innocent*  
  
Kia- Cloud, you're dead!  
  
*Cloud shrieks like a girl and is chased by Kia wielding two swords, the Masamune and the Ultima Weapon*  
  
Kia- Good thing its Barbaque night! Mwhahahahaha!!  
  
*Kia impales Cloud on the Masamune and slices his head of with the Ultima Weapon, creating a huge mess of blood and guts*  
  
Kia- We need a medic here, and a new contestant!  
  
*Red XIII runs up to the stand and barks*  
  
Red- Woof! Bark bark! Hungya hungya!  
  
Kia- I guess this will do.  
  
Aeris and Tifa- That evil. little son of a bitch!  
  
Kia- What, me?  
  
Aeris and Tifa- DIE!!!  
  
*They both jump on Kia and pummel him into the ground, breaking only his left arm and leaving him beat down*  
  
Kia- Oww.. Medic. Need. Cherry Wine.. Help me. *passes out*  
  
Yuffie- That had to hurt, I guess we will have to wait for a little while before round two. Oh well. let Vincent close this up.  
  
Vincent- Ok, don't mind if I do.  
  
*Vincent walks up to the crowd*  
  
Vincent- Uh, due to some physical harm to Kia, we have to delay this show for a day or two. And um. don't move if you don't want to be sued and shot in the head!  
  
*The crowd stays very still*  
  
Vincent- Good, very good, mwhahahaha!  
  
Authors note- Well, that's it, I hope you liked chapter two! ^_^ Also, go ahead and put some questions and people you want gone in your reviews it would help me and you for this story! ^_^  
  
Till' then, see ya! *runs away from angry mobs* 


	3. 1 Broken arm, 1 dead contestant WHAT NEX...

Kia- Yes, yes. I gots new video games. Whenever that happens, no fics fer you! ^_^ Anyways, here is the 3rd chapter, enjoy. I don't own anything, once again.  
  
*Kia walks onto the stage with his broken arm*  
  
Kia- Ow.. Anyways, back to. THE WEAKEST LINK!!  
  
Barret- Its been a while, hasn't it.  
  
Aeris- Well, technically, I should be dead right now. So, to me, this whole story is a big Plot Hole.  
  
Vincent- Hmm, none of the audience moved!! ^_^ Wow!  
  
Kia- Ok, everyone ready? LETS PLAY!!  
  
Yuffie- ...  
  
Kia- Ok, first off. Lets start with Yuffie again.  
  
Yuffie- Ok.  
  
Kia- What is the square root of a swallow?  
  
Yuffie- African or American?  
  
Kia- Right, Aeris, if a plane crashes on the border of Canada and America, where do you bury the survivors?  
  
Aeris- Um. Midgar?  
  
Kia-.... No, Barret, what is the worst cus word?  
  
*all the audience hold their ears  
  
Barret- The worst word? Easy, the worst word is.. Pie.  
  
Kia- RIGHT!! HOW RIGHT YOU ARE!! ^_^ Anyways, Tifa, who should be kicked off next?  
  
Tifa-Um. Barret.  
  
Kia- Exactly, SECURITY!!!  
  
*Gaurds run on stage, grab Barret and drag him outside, where they attack him with Suntan Lotion Kia- That's gonna leave a mark. Vincent, what is the square root of 4356?  
  
*Vincent laughs  
  
Vincent- Easy, that's 66!  
  
Kia- DUDE! That's right. Anyways, Sephiroth. Blooga, Smooga Koochie moochi bakin chocolate?  
  
Sephiroth- Suntan Lotion!  
  
Kia- Yes, but how did you know?  
  
Sephiroth- Suntan Lotion is the answer to ALL questions, my friend.  
  
Kia- Ok. Red, what is Tifa wearing?  
  
Tifa- HEY!  
  
Red- That.  
  
Kia- Yup!  
  
*red smiles evily  
  
Kia- Right, 30 seconds left, Yuffie?  
  
Yuffie- What.  
  
Kia- How do cows fly?  
  
Yuffie- They don't, trick question.  
  
Kia- Right, Aeri-  
  
Aeris- BANK!! BANK BANK!! *uber loud buzzer noise  
  
Kia- Ok ok, times up anyway. Ya managed to get 6000 dollars for no reason this round. Nice job. And now, time to vote someone off. Write someone's name on. now..  
  
*30 seconds later  
  
Kia- Ok, reveal your answers!  
  
Yuffie- Aeris  
  
Aeris- Yuffie  
  
Tifa- Aeris  
  
Vincent- Aeris  
  
Sephiroth- Aeris  
  
Red XIII- Aeris. Sowwy..  
  
Kia- Why Aeris? Why?  
  
Yuffie- Because she is stupid!! YA DON'T BURY SURVIVORS!!!  
  
Kia- True. Tifa?  
  
Tifa- Because she is a bitch. She also wanted Cloud, who you killed.Wait.  
  
Kia- Heh! Save it for later!! *sad face* I don't wanna die now! Anyways, Vincent?  
  
Vincent- She was the only one to get a question wrong.  
  
Kia- Yup, Sephiroth?  
  
Sephiroth- Hey, ya stopped calling me Sephy! ^_^ Anyways, she should be dead, I killed her.  
  
Kia- Ok. Red?  
  
Red XIII- Because I just FELT LIKE IT!!  
  
Kia- Fine, fine. Aeris, you are the weakest link. Go get nachos from our sponsor "Nacho World" and. GOODBYE!!  
  
Aeris- Nachos!? WHERE!!!  
  
*Aeris runs off  
  
Kia- Man, this chapter sucks. I hope I don't kill anyone today.  
  
*Tifa jumps at Kia and grabs his broken arm, breaking it more  
  
Kia- OW OW OW!! STOP!!!  
  
Tifa- Why should I?  
  
Kia- Because. Um. *whispers  
  
Tifa- Oh, really! *uber happy face  
  
Kia- Yeah.  
  
Tifa- OK!!! *glomps Kia  
  
Kia- Well. That's all for now, see ya later on. The weakest link. Excuse me while I kill someone. *walks away with broken arm glomped by Tifa  
  
What kind of plan did Kia talk about! Oh no!! Anyways, thanks for all the reviews even though I wasn't checking them. It seems people really like this story!! Also, if ya like sprite comics, go to my site a register at the message board at..  
  
www.geocities.com/austoko  
  
Thanks, and have a nice day. ^_^ *runs away 


End file.
